Anger and Enlightenment

I feel an unhealthy amount of anger right now. I took a walk and contemplated why I was feeling this way. I have come to understand that I am feeling this way due to unfinished business. Unfinished business with my father.

One would think that after 19 years that I would be able to put that aside. But I guess you would never know unless you went through it. Every time that I think that I reach some milestone in emotional development with this situation, I become undone. Tonight, a discussion came up, a discussion that I would rather not replay. In this discussion, a person came under fire tonight. That person is the closest thing I have had for a father since my father died. I have always fiercely held true to this belief that this person was a godsend to me. When I was at my lowest time in my life, he was there. When I had nowhere to go, he was there. When I had no money, he was there. When I had no food or power, he was there. Always making sure that I had what I needed. When we were at our peak in this life, we had a small empire. Five businesses successfully run. My life was charted. I was to take over this empire when the right time came. But the right time never came. Because he suffered a series of heart attacks, and I, a bleeding ulcer. I could not bear the burden of five business. I tried. I couldn't do it. In the end it was like it was in the beginning. Work all the time and sleep maybe 3 hrs if I was lucky.

Over a decade after the beginning, and only about a year and a half since the end, I am still in debt to this man. I repay him, becuase, as a student of the course called life, he is my ultimate teacher. He is like Buddha. He is like Jesus. He is like and unlike, anyone you have ever met. He is so giving of himself and his resources, that he shines a golden light.

He picked me up from the ground when he first met me, and I have been indebted to him since.

I almost lost him. The heart attacks. I was mad. Mad, becuase I was thinking, "How the hell can I be cursed twice, the same way, in life?" And God responed. He said, "I think you are losing sight of your path. You, need to learn to slow down and listen."

So I did.

And then I lost it again, until tonight.

That is just what I am hearing. Slow down and listen. Is this the way you want your life?

I want to honor those who have honored me. I want to love those that have undoubtedly loved me, through all. I want to never, ever, forget that what I have been taught in life, is a lesson I needed to learn. I will never dishonor those who display that. Never. Not my father, not Bill. They have been my biggest fans in life, and they have believed in me. That I would know the truth. That I would be wise enough to discern between rhetoric and truth.

I know the truth. I know that to know the truth, one must first let go of all perceptions.

Then the truth becomes clear.